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Saturday, September 17, 2011

Friday Nights

Sitting at the computer, a lovely web cam shot

I've heard it said that dreams are our brain's way of working out the loose ends of our thoughts during the day. This reminds me of my Friday night musings, working out the week's unresolved, random, & half-finished business.

My Friday nights are not lively affairs. Though I love the routine school brings into our lives I am wrung out by the time Friday hits, no grand desires for a night on the town stir within me, I am pretty much ready for veggin' out on the couch in my pj's or a bubble bath & a glass of wine. Most Fridays in the Fall find me alone. Rachel usually goes to high school football games & any other teen who is living with me at the time won't be caught dead hanging out at home on a Friday night.

I always have mixed feelings about this kind of night. The alone time can feel delicious, no one to please but myself, no other needs, no competing agendas will squeeze out my couch sitting & bubbles baths. On the other hand, sometimes the quiet is a little depressing. I think too much some Fridays. It's a quiet moment to take in the fact that I am alone. Family, friends & kids, fill my life, but in the end I am alone. I am always afraid to blog about these things as I know it can freak people out for me. The truth is that my loneliness isn't always sad, it's just the way it is. Sometimes I just have to sit with it for a minute & let it rattle around in my bones. I would love to be living life intertwined with someone else but being alone causes me to face the reality that we all face at some point, ultimately, it's just me & God. Kind of a deep thought for a Friday night, so I make myself some healthyish pancakes for dinner & take the dog for her walk.

The dog still needs attention on Friday nights, in fact I was a little peeved on this particular night that her agenda did indeed keep me from couch sitting & bubble baths. After feeling annoyance, I felt some pangs of guilt about not walking her till a very cold & dark 9pm tonight, post a Chiropractor appointment, a drop in for a quick happy hour drink with Tess, & then of course the healthyish pancakes.

Walking the dog was a good way for me to let all the random thoughts of the day filter down through my head & out my toes. As I went I wondered if I should have let the dog lick the sugar-free syrup off the plate, but hey, just because my Friday nights are dull doesn't mean her's have to be. I started to worry about the same dumb things about the future I'd been over mulling all week. I wondered for the thousandth time if I am getting sick or if I just have allergies. I thought about Weight Watchers & I felt discouraged after which I gave myself a stick-to-it pep-talk. After all this I wondered hopefully if I am getting better with age, not that I'm any more disciplined, or beautiful, or selfless, but that I now realize that this too shall pass. On the Friday nights of life when all I have in my head is leftover worry & exhaustion & the suspicion that I am getting sick I can assure myself that things will be better come Saturday morning. A good long sleep, a cup of coffee, a bit of time with those I love, and life will once again be in perspective. It may just be God & I, but he is a faithful God. The older I get the more blessed I am to be able to look back & see the history of God's faithfulness in my own life & to know that these Friday night blues too shall pass.

So I go to pick up the girls & they tell me it's sad I've been alone on a Friday night. "We need to get you a date," they say. While I couldn't agree more, my reasons are totally different than their's are. I'm not afraid of being alone the way they are. Being an adult, being old enough to embrace alone time (in however conflicted that acceptance may be), is it's own kind of blessing.

So I wrap up this random post by heading to bed, because things really are that much better on Saturday mornings.


Tess said...

I like how you say "rattle around in my bones." I think I'm getting better about being alone, but perhaps I could give the loneliness a little more rattling time...or just play the minor chords on my guitar louder. That rattles my bones too and sometimes makes me sing like B.B. King. Which really is quite sad, but in a very different way than your teenagers mean it when they come home to you on a Friday night. More in, "oh, it sounds like a dog dying..." kind of way. In digress, more rattling needed. End of story.

Brian & Mary Hand said...

Post-David, our Friday nights are quite ordinary also. And, with Brian's schedule we might treat another night of the week as a Friday night (as a family). I have a LOT more thinking time in my life now as I stay home with David, and at first it seemed a bit excessive at times, but now I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. I've learned to embrace the quietness, enjoy spending more time in the Word, take time to really think through life and not just live at a hurried pace, and . . . a part of me feels like I'm getting "normal" again. I'm a person who needs thinking time, even though I love the social scene. I pray that your Friday night times are times of healthy quietness and relaxation . . . not times of over-analyzing and guilt. Love you!

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