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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

To the two people who read my blog!

Linda and Bekah, you get shout outs for not only reading my blog but commenting on it within 24 hours of posting!!! You are a shining example of how personal affirmation motivates because I am posting again tonight (two days in a row!).

I do have to say that its wonderful to just put things out there sometimes. At church on Sunday the sermon touched on how shame grows in darkness. I would say its not just shame, but most icky things loom like monsters under the bed until the are exposed to a little light.

I called my mom this afternoon, sweaty and hiding behind the sun visors in my car, crying my eyes out, strategically turning my head to avoid being "seen" while coworkers walked by. I will spare you details on the lack of tissue situation. It was kind of pathetic and kind of awesome. I was having a horrible day at work and the main problem was me. I had been in an ironic training all morning about how we can't do a good job in the field of social work unless we are taking care of our own issues and staying "regulated." Immediately after that training I spent the afternoon in a frustrating series of circular discussions where I handled myself badly in an already annoying situation. Do you ever see yourself and feel like you are watching a train wreck? In my training they call that being "dysregulated." Eventually I had to just "go to lunch" to get out of the office.

So I decided I needed to cry, and whenever I need to cry I call my mom. The problem is that I didn't want to call my mom, but I forced myself to and I told her, "mom I need to call and talk to someone who knows me and cares about me but I don't want you to worry about me or take on my problems." You see my mom is one who errs on the side of carrying others' burdens rather than just caring and frankly it drives me bat shit crazy because carrying other people's problems can sometimes literally make her bat shit crazy (I don't know how bat shit got into this but it fits). So all this to say I told her what I needed and she was absolutely amazing and let me cry about all the random things that might be the problem. When I was done I had to drive around for 30 minutes with the air conditioner on because besides being super hot, my nose was bright red which is what happens to me when I cry (another trait I get from my mom). In spite of the unsightly nose I felt so much better and totally wrung out. It was good and I went back to work and resolved things a little.

So that's my story...probably TMI, but that's pretty much how today went down.


P.S. Someday I will start putting pictures up. I make it a policy to only read blogs with pictures and skip the rest but I don't have any pictures that really say "I am strangely emotional and kind of depressed" so for now you will have to suffer without pictures.


linda said...

I am flabbergasted! (Only at the no pictures part). Glad you got wrung out & am hoping for more resolving and less Rudolph Red Nose crying. I give this post 4 stars for the "bat shit" part.

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