To the two people who read my blog!

Linda and Bekah, you get shout outs for not only reading my blog but commenting on it within 24 hours of posting!!! You are a shining example of how personal affirmation motivates because I am posting again tonight (two days in a row!).

I do have to say that its wonderful to just put things out there sometimes. At church on Sunday the sermon touched on how shame grows in darkness. I would say its not just shame, but most icky things loom like monsters under the bed until the are exposed to a little light.

I called my mom this afternoon, sweaty and hiding behind the sun visors in my car, crying my eyes out, strategically turning my head to avoid being "seen" while coworkers walked by. I will spare you details on the lack of tissue situation. It was kind of pathetic and kind of awesome. I was having a horrible day at work and the main problem was me. I had been in an ironic training all morning about how we can't do a good job in the field of social work unless we are taking care of our own issues and staying "regulated." Immediately after that training I spent the afternoon in a frustrating series of circular discussions where I handled myself badly in an already annoying situation. Do you ever see yourself and feel like you are watching a train wreck? In my training they call that being "dysregulated." Eventually I had to just "go to lunch" to get out of the office.

So I decided I needed to cry, and whenever I need to cry I call my mom. The problem is that I didn't want to call my mom, but I forced myself to and I told her, "mom I need to call and talk to someone who knows me and cares about me but I don't want you to worry about me or take on my problems." You see my mom is one who errs on the side of carrying others' burdens rather than just caring and frankly it drives me bat shit crazy because carrying other people's problems can sometimes literally make her bat shit crazy (I don't know how bat shit got into this but it fits). So all this to say I told her what I needed and she was absolutely amazing and let me cry about all the random things that might be the problem. When I was done I had to drive around for 30 minutes with the air conditioner on because besides being super hot, my nose was bright red which is what happens to me when I cry (another trait I get from my mom). In spite of the unsightly nose I felt so much better and totally wrung out. It was good and I went back to work and resolved things a little.

So that's my story...probably TMI, but that's pretty much how today went down.

Night!

P.S. Someday I will start putting pictures up. I make it a policy to only read blogs with pictures and skip the rest but I don't have any pictures that really say "I am strangely emotional and kind of depressed" so for now you will have to suffer without pictures.

She Speaks!

So I decided to post on this long deserted blog tonight, not so much for someone to read it, but because it's nice to get thought out there sometimes.

To tell you the truth I have been kind of depressed lately. Usually I am really good at figuring out my emotions, I turn my finely tuned analytical skills in on myself, and I figure out why I am feeling what I am and then try to give myself the advice I'd give someone else. I am really into problem solving and all that good stuff that helps us regroup and try things anew. Well I am sort of at a loss about what is wrong (let's be honest, there are lots of options to chose from) so I am going to go spend a pretty penny at therapy, trying to unravel the mystery.

I am nervous and excited about going to therapy. I am thrilled to talk with someone who is paid just to listen to me rant. I have no obligation to have a two-way conversation and quite selfishly, I want that. The thing is that when you love and care about people, as we all should, sometimes it's exhausting and you don't really know how to find the magic line between caring about their burdens vs. carrying their burdens. Sometimes even my own self-analysis is just so dang exhausting. So I'm trying to be more consistent about exercise, eat a little better, pray a lot more, and journal???  but let's be real, I've been planning to improve on those things for weeks but I just keep eating junk food, watching lots of TV shows and buying too much frivolous stuff... so next week I'm off to therapy. I'll let you know what I figure out (unless it's too deep and dark to post on a blog which no one reads).